Let's attach "Wedding" to random stuff and make profit!

What has been on the top of my mine recently? Obviously not blogging. And not even gaming. I'm still at Chapter 5 of Drake's Fortune after starting it a month ago. Last night I went back to it after a week or two of hiatus and got shot to death because I forgot how to take cover.

Unfortunately, it's the planning of the wedding. Now I get it. It's a celebration of two people's love and the union of two families and blessing of all your friends, human beings are social animals like dolphins, blah, blah blah. I get it. As soon as the engagement was announced, we were caught in the whirlwind of it all. Bridal show (we only went to one and didn't see half of it, it was just as atrocious as it sounds), shopping for venues, budget, calling fellow friends who are also planning a wedding, dresses, photographers, invitations, theme, photobooth - Stop. Hammer time.

Now for those who haven't yet planned a wedding (and to naive-doremish, circa pre-engagement), you know you want a small wedding with your closest friends and family, something simple. We all heard that before. Mine was particularly dreamy - outdoor ceremony followed by a barbecue, 100 peeps max and everyone would know everyone. No stupid games and shit. I'd be wearing a short white dress. There would be plenty of flowers and cocktails.

Reality is, a bitch. The thing is, you start seeing the roadblocks. Confused, you go back and read the definition again "celebration of families and friends about union of two people" you realize, contrary to those fancy glossy magazines and whatever Shopaholics Ties the Knot try to tell you - it's not about you. Families. Friends. Union. And theeeeen lastly, you. The definition of family and friend is also very broad, it includes the parents' friends and their cousins whom you've never met - I'm serious! There is no fairy tale here, or the entire banquet hall industry wouldn't survive and Toronto parks would be making profits. So, get over that doremish and then you can start planning for the wedding. Hey, a celebration can take many forms, so, 10 course Chinese wedding in a banquet hall it is, then. After all, the economy needs stimulating, and TSX is down 100 points, and stuff.

But wait. The wedding industry isn't just about banquet hall and caterer, is it? What about that photobooth, that was neat wasn't it, at so-and-so's wedding? That's what I thought too when I started begrudgingly signing up and reading those "wedding ideas" boards.

Behold, people of the rationally-thinking type. Do you know what this thing costs for a 3-hour rental?

Go ahead, take a guess. No, higher. No, still higher. It's $1200, or for a limited time only, $875, plus taxes. Now, we all know the new iPad3 is coming out in approximately 8 days, it will be the holy grail of millions of hipsters and geeks. These things pretty much do everything except for cooking and cleaning... it's more HD than an HDTV for god's sake. SO MANY PIXELS WHERE DO I STARE? Look at it. Back at your man. Back at it. Sadly your man isn't it.

Now to put things into perspective. The biggest mother of iPad3 stands at 9.5 inches tall and weighs in at 1.46 lbs, with 4G technology and 64 GB of space under its belt. It costs a whooping $849. That's $30 cheaper than the cheapest booth. You can get an iPad 3 and have enough change for a lot of socks and hair elastics.

"But doremish!" the wedding-fairy exclaims, "the booth comes with an attendant and your guests can print out funny pictures of them real time and keep them all wrinkled up in their pocket or purses! They would have soooo much fun! It's a once in a life time thing, you'd want it to be perfect don't you?"

Why do I need an attendant, by the way? Isn't the whole idea of a photobooth to eliminate the need for a human attendant? Why you standing around there if you ain't taking no picture and letting me know when to say Cheese?!

Besides, doesn't the iPad3 take pictures? And I get to keep that goddamn piece of sexy for less than what photobooth-pricks charge. I mean people, feel free to use my paddy to email  your aunt Greta in Germany if she's not already at my wedding, hooray technology!

What do I get after 3 hours of photoboothing? Oh thank you, a photo-album! Why, oh my, *tears* I'm so touched, I couldn't have done it with the 65412 of album making websites out there. Here's my money. Take it.  No I insist. I can't ever repay you - how about my first born? please? please. I insist.

EFFING RIDICULOUS. SO MAD. DOREMISH OUT.

I went to church and didn't combust instantaneously!

Dear nominal Christians (I'm serious, that's what you guys are officially called), and fellow heathens, for the second in 7 times now I've attended the premarital class at the church yesterday. Not surprisingly it is composed of mostly Christian couples. Coincidentally, it was just as boring as any other religious venues I've visited with a speaker... after being told the second class in a row that non-Christians are not blessed with never-ending-love-capable souls and that unions of baptized Christians are the only true soul-mate unions, and that you should keep making babies until they just fall out of your body (they are gifts from god!), I can only keep assuming that the "good stuff" is at the end (regarding household conflicts, communications, finances, etc.) and in the mean time try to entertain myself into not falling asleep.

So I took notes to stay awake - interestingly enough, I had a coffee about 30min before attending class and it had no effect whatsoever; however I could not sleep until 1AM

At the insistence of my soon-to-be-non-soulmate nominal Christian fiancé, I posted them here. Hope they can mildly entertain you as well (click on image for larger version)

Ti-what?

Ahhh the much dreaded end of Labour Day weekend is drawing to a close and of course with the weather I'm experiencing the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and PVS (post vacation syndrome) and whatnot. On the other hand V is thriving in the crisp autumn weather and getting giddy for the upcoming football season. Well at least one of us loves it.

So the condo hunt this weekend is another fail... while we did have more criteria to narrow the selections down, which means that nothing is going to be found anytime soon.  On the other hand I'm still on my quest of happiness trying to find out what causes all my SAD and PVS...

The weekend is slow and relaxing, mostly reading and cooking and walking around. Meeting up with old friends and BBQ'ing with V's parents. One of our buds went to NYC this weekend with a long-time girlfriend and made a stop at the big T (Tiffany's) - and tried to keep their lower jaws secured while trying on rings and asking about prices. These things go for $30K+.... is this the price range we're looking now to express whatever eternal love? I gotta say this is the most successful marketing schtick ever.

Sure there's the very childish and shallow side of me, the same side that makes me want to get a nicer computer or something, that wants a respectfully sized ring, but this is a dangerous game we are playing. Working in an industry where millions are referred to as "dollars", there's simply a distorted vision of what respectful means. That stupid rule of thumb that says you need to get a ring worth the man's three months salary is ridiculous. But then you almost feel pressured to keep up lest be judged as cheap. When it becomes this kind of a game ("Well I'm gonna prove I'm not afraid to spend on her and she's worth it") it's pretty darn sad. I certainly  hope I'm worth more than a rock...

My parents don't even have rings and they've been married for 36 years and counting - sure there has been up and downs and some near misses, and it's not all perfect (one can argue that it only made the 36 years seem even more like forever). It's symbolic, and a nice gesture, to have rings and to exchange them - but what is the point of the engagement ring - wouldn't the wedding band itself be enough?

Anyhow, when our buddy jokingly said yeah, what if you get a thousand dollar ring, I didn't know what to answer and just laughed. But that is a good question - wouldn't that be enough? 

on why I'm dumber during spring and fall

Stupid allergies constantly making my nose itchy and runny - I'm sometimes so clogged up I feel like a retard. It's been annoying me for a while now and none of the OTC drugs are doing what they promised, whatever those dancing-into-a-field-of-dandelions-ads want me to believe. Hmmmm.... this was supposed to somehow segway into the next topic, but I can't remember how.

I've lived most of my life without having to attend any weddings - my parents socialized mostly with people their age whose children are mostly younger. Being a first-gen fob, I didn't grow up going to families' weddings and generally lacked exposure to all things wedding-related. Interestingly, Quebec doesn't seem to have a strong wedding culture either as most people I know choose to common-law it or are engaged for a million years. The rest of them are still in school "figuring out life".

Ergo, in the pre-Toronto era of my adult life, I've only been to my sister's wedding. Apart from dressing the part, I was obviously the most clueless maid of honour ever... I think the lamp post at the front of the hall may have been more useful.

Suddenly turning into my late twenties and meeting V, I've got a myriads of weddings to go to as part of my girlfriend duties. All of them I attended as the remote-yet-slightly-amused bystander, the plus-one. A couple of churches and a temple. Speeches long and short, in English, in Chinese, in Hindi. Ubiquitous powerpoint presentations, endless Michael Bublé songs and marriage jokes. Food, glorious food, and drinks that rained.

The great thing being a random person is the lack of self-conciousness - there's a lot of room for food and drinks if you're strategic about it. And you get to spend all your time thinking of ways to get more of that (I usually figure out the middle of where hors-d'oeuvres come out and the bar, and station myself there), and generally act like a vulture because nobody knows who you are. Also, I guess if you are single or in a non-committal, weddings are decent places to meet people (that you never call again? haha). The not-so-cool part is the awkward "I have to figure out how to spell the bride's name when I sign in the photobook" moment. Or when you're sitting at the randoms' table and have to act like you care about your neighbour that you'll probably never meet again - worse than a bus ride, if you hate people like I do.

I got another one coming up this week-end. It'll be 2 hours of preparation, feeling fat in that gown-I-used-to-fit in (note that this doesn't stop me from finding the best way to stuff the most food in me, later on - it's about the principle), feeling inept while trying to do my hair (I have the hairdressing skills of a 3-year-old boy), bracing the street in that only pair of formal silky-but-oh-so-effing-uncomfortable shoes I have. I'll be ready to sit through another set of rituals, maybe with slight variation, of celebrating two people's union (ooh... aaah.... i do, i do, kiss the bride, sign that paper, tadaa you're husband and wife! and V starts wiping tears). I've braved the other ones, I'll brave this one, knowing that, *sigh*, at the end of the day, a party is a party is a party and a chance to look hawt (thank you spanx and wonderbra) and eat my heart out.

on those wacky lists people come up with.

So as part of my job deals with people who are in their 60s – 70s and that have been married for a gazillion years. One of things we do is that we look up how many years they’ve been married and congratulate them or something, you know, year 25 is the silver anniversary, year 40 is the ruby anniversary and the like, and people are supposed to give each other rubies and stuff.

So I’m looking up this one who’s in their 44^th year and what do I see as “modern gifts”? Groceries. REALLY?! Fourty-four goddamn years and all you get is a bag of rubatagas? How do you go from ruby to groceries... apparently a bunch of jewelers or librarians came up with the list. They must be pretty drunk at number 44.

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Speaking of groceries, I dreamt I was in the world's most luxurious buffet ever last night. Live seafood everywhere you can choose from and fresh mushrooms you pick from the tree trunks. Clams from as small as a penny to as big as my head with pearls that come with it. I woke up before I got to eat anything though :/