"The children are waiting! Tell them the story about the bald frog and the wig."
... the children don't know what's coming. Heh.
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Once upon a time, the bald frog found a wig. Did a hunter drop it there? We will never know. The frog wore the wig to be pretty. The bald frog was ugly and envied every single animal in the forest with their nice fur. The bald frog got this magical pretty wig, and wore it, and everyone came and admired it. It was the best day of his life! But the wig is actually an ancient cursed wig that eats away the host's scalp and gulps down the brain. The bald frog died a horrible death that night. It started with a small itch, and then the pain! His scalp felt like it was on fire as the wig sank tiny little teeth in it and started munching... The next day, Bambi came around and saw the wig lying innocuously next to the the frog missing its head. Bambi thought "Mmmmm food" and ate the frog. Bambi had always been jealous of the wig the moment he saw frog wearing it. Bambi wore the wig and pranced around like the little gay deer he is. Bambi felt an itch on his head, but couldn't scratch it because he's got no hands - but Bambi's got a brain! Bambi remembered what mom taught him and went to scratch the itch against a tree. On his way, the wig ate his brain.
The wig proceeded to kill all your favourite animals in the forest including Shrek, until one day, a human hunter smelled the stench from all the corpses inside the forest and went to investigate. He found the wig and knew it to be no good. He gave me the wig for safekeeping, so that if any kid I see is a bad kid, I get to put the wig on the kid when you sleep at night.
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This story is going to be a HIT during Christmas Story Time!
(c)2009 Mish
... now I maybe gotta make this an illustrated children's book? :P
once upon a time, there was a handsome prince who lived in a beautiful kingdom. On his 18th birthday an evil witch gave him the ultimate gift: a lifetime subscription to WORLD OF WARCRAFT (that's right, WoW did exist back then, don't ask how.. it's a magical kingdom, weird shit can happen). The prince was so excited that he played that game night and day until one day, he couldn't log on anymore.
ReplyDeleteIn a moment of panic, he goes and sees the evil witch (obviously he didn't know she was evil) and asks her for a solution. She tells me "go download the ulimate patch 1.6.6.6 and it will solve your problem". He was so excited that while he was download the 666 megs patch, he almost wet his pants (but that was a detail you guys really didn't need to know). At 99% of the installation, a big black vortex appeared from the screen and engulfed the prince into his computer.
Upon his awakening, he wakes up in front of his computer, but oddly enough, his computer screen seems to be much bigger than him. He realized that HE TURNED INTO A BIG FAT HIDIOUS FROG WITH WARTS AND A NAUSEAETING ODOR SECRETED FROM HIS BODY (basically how any WoW player looks like). What he didn't know was the patch was a curse that the evil witch placed upon him (big whoop.. i think you guys all saw THAT one coming).
The prince (frog) was shocked and scared. "How am I going to turn back into this hunk i was before" he said to himself. He then logged back into the game hoping to find a solution (because the solution to a curse that turns you into a frog HAS to be in a stupid video game) and gladly enough he was invited to participate in the "Search of the holy wig".
It is said that the magical wig gives any player a +10 bonus in wisdom and immunity to curses (while giving him a -30 in cool factor but let's face it, if you wear a wig, you can't be cool). He played for weeks (as a frog, yes i know it's impossible for a frog to play but HE LIVES IN A FREAKING MAGICAL KINGDOM WITH FREAKING CURSES!) battling orcs, black knights who say "wii" and solving the riddles to the bridge that leads him to the cave which contains the wig (failure to solve the 3 riddles will result in a device that will throw you in the other side of the world).
He enters the cave and as soon as he grabs the wig, the game exits and internet explorer pop up message says: "Thank you for playing the quest of the wig. To obtain the wig, you will need to do 4 payment of 29.99 gold pieces. If you do purchase, you get a bonus of not one, not two, not three but FOURTEEN willy waller 2006!". Excited (you know 'cause he's a prince and is disgustingly rich), he logs on to his bank account just to realize that THE GAME WAS SECRETLY WIRED TO HIS WORLD OF WARCRAFT ACCOUNT and he has no more money left since he was playing for months non stop!
So he got so desperate to find money that hebecameamalegigolomovedtothailandbecameagirltobecomeaprostituteformoneygetsaidsandthendie. THE END
So kids, moral of the story is: No matter what your status is, if you play World of Warcraft YOU WILL BECOME A UGLY FROG AND WILL BE FORCED TO HAVE SEX WITH PERVERTED MEN IN THAILAND (up the ass) TO PAY FOR THAT STUPID GAME.